


Repressed Emotions

by UngratefulSatisfaction



Series: Gnosis of Self [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Bros helping bros, Coming of Age, Everyone kisses Jeno because they're friends, M/M, Questioning, Unresolved, emotions are messy, make out sessions, the '00 liners are good friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 08:35:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16114760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UngratefulSatisfaction/pseuds/UngratefulSatisfaction
Summary: Inside Jeno something fundamental has shifted. An unsettling knot in Jeno’s heart pulls fear through his veins. He can’t find the source and it makes his heart pound harder in his chest, that he isn’t as acquainted with himself as he thought.~~The Dream kids are told that some of the older members are gay, and Jeno doesn’t know what this means for him. He’s never even considered the question. Now he embarks on a small coming-of-age quest with the help of his friends to figure out if he’s gay.(A continuation of “If You Don’t Do It You’ll Lose”, but can be read on its own)Mature rating for strong/sexual language





	Repressed Emotions

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for continuing in this series (or beginning it) and choosing to read this! This story is mostly Jeno angsting over his confused feelings and make-out sessions. And sorry about there not being any resolution to this. That’ll happen in part four :)  
> Sorry this was posted late!

Jeno only counts four Dream members in the room when practice starts. Mark and Donghyuk are accounted for, scheduled to begin the day with 127, but Renjun isn’t. “Hyung probably drank too much last night,” Chenle says shaking his head while they stretch.

“He doesn’t seem like that type,” Jaemin says. He’s sitting across from Jeno, holding his hands in between their legs to stretch their hips. 

“Stay focused,” he chastises when Jeno’s arms go slack.

“Sorry,” Jeno says. “Just wondering where Injoon is.” He pulls Jaemin until his chest almost touches the floor. 

“The managers haven’t said anything,” Jisung says. “It can’t be serious. He probably just has a hang-over.”

“Like you know anything about that,” Chenle teases.

“And you do?” The youngest two are about to escalate the bickering when Renjun walks in breathless.

“Sorry I’m late,” Renjun says. He bows to the staff before joining the members on the floor. 

“Did you drink too much?” Chenle asks. Renjun laughs embarrassed.

“No, I only had like, one shot,” Renjun says. “And I blame Taeyonggie Hyung for that.”

“So our leader encourages drinking,” Jaemin says, his tone faux serious.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Renjun says. He stares at the floor as he tries to reach his ankles. “We were playing a game.”

"We want _details_ ,” Chenle says. 

“There’re too many details,” Renjun says with a slight blush. “I can’t remember what happened.”

“I want to join next time,” Chenle says with a pout.

"Wait until you’re an adult,” Jeno tells him.

“It’s not fair. You have a week left, Hyung,” Chenle says. 

“Believe me, you aren’t missing much,” Renjun says but it sounds artificial. “Our Hyungs are just as dumb drunk as they are sober.”

“Sounds about right,” Jaemin agrees. “But wait until after I turn eighteen to meet again.”

“What makes you think I have any say in it?”

“Focus,” their manager reminds them. “We should start in five minutes.”

“Yes, manager-nim,” they chorus. They drop the conversation and get ready to practice. Jeno still wonders about exactly what happened last night.

 

“Thank you for your hard work,” they all tell the dance instructor as he leaves. A couple hours had passed, and the Dream kids moved to a larger practice room to meet with the others. Their time with the instructor for “Black on Black” just ended. The managers and staff leave with the instructor to give them time alone to practice.

“Ten-minute break and then we’ll go again,” Taeyong says. The members disperse to drink water and stretch out as necessary.

Jeno spies Doyoung, Taeyong and a couple of the others whispering together with severe expressions while he fiddles with the cap on his water bottle. “Are you sure nothing happened last night?” Jeno asks Renjun. He’s not used to the serious atmosphere during a break.

“Huh?” Renjun asks turning around to face the center of the room. 

“He means the council meeting over there,” Jaemin says gesturing to the hyungs. Taeyong claps his hand on Doyoung’s back like he’s comforting him. Doyoung frowns but nods his head curtly.

“Oh, that,” Renjun says awkwardly. “Well, Doyoung Hyung said he would tell you guys during practice today.”

“Tell us what?” Jeno asks. 

“What are we doing right now?” Renjun asks back.

“Practicing,” he responds in confusion.

“Exactly. He’ll tell you soon,” Renjun says and takes another swig of water.

“You’re annoying,” Jaemin tells him.

“You love me.”

“For some reason.” Jaemin smiles sweetly at Renjun and the three of them laugh. 

“Guys,” Taeyong calls loudly gesturing everyone in.

“Told you,” Renjun mutters as everyone drifts back to the center of the room. Jaemin jostles him with his shoulder but doesn’t say anything.

“We have announcements,” Taeyong says. 

“Announcements?” Kun asks.

“Yes,” Doyoung says. “For the kids.” The Dream kids unconsciously group together, sans Renjun and Mark. “This is secret stuff, okay? Like don’t tell management or anyone else.”

“Sure, Hyung,” Donghyuk says. “But what is it? Did you guys do something stupid last night when you got drunk?” He’s always a little bitter when the older members drink together because he gets sent to the Dream dorm to spend the night.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Doyoung says with a frown. “But it’s kind of important, so listen well. Jungwoo, Lucas, myself, and another two who wish not to be named right now were keeping a secret. Yesterday we told everyone else, so we thought it would be fair to also tell you.”

“But if two of them aren’t named, aren’t they still keeping the secret?” Jaemin asks.

“Yeah, but you all will at least have the same information that your Hyungs do.” Doyoung takes a deep breath and looks at Yukhei and Jungwoo. They nod encouragingly. “Anyway, us five are gay. It doesn’t mean anything. We aren’t different now. There’re no latent homosexual feelings towards anyone here. But we thought you should know.”

Jeno is absolutely blindsided. “Gay?” he asks without thinking. 

“You’re what?” Chenle asks looking around for help. He finds Renjun’s eyes and gets what Jeno assumes is an explanation in Mandarin.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Taeyong quickly says. “They’re our bandmates before anything else. If you’re going to be homophobic, talk to me in private, but we haven’t had this problem so far, okay?” 

They all nod, but inside Jeno something fundamental has shifted. The other Dream kids don’t appear too perturbed, though perhaps a little awkward about it. But an unsettling knot in Jeno’s heart pulls fear through his veins. He can’t find the source and it makes his heart pound harder in his chest, that he isn’t as acquainted with himself as he thought.

“What about the other two?” Jisung asks. “Is it fair to keep it a secret?”

“It’s whatever they’re comfortable sharing,” Taeyong says. “I don’t have a sparkling past, and people aren’t entitled to that information unless I want to share. It’s my choice to tell people. Same with our bandmates’ sexual preferences. It was none of our business in the first place, but they decided they were comfortable enough with themselves and us to share this information. It’s doesn’t mean they don’t trust you if they don’t want to share. Let’s all be respectful.”

“Thank you,” Doyoung mutters. His eyes are down but Jeno sees relief, if not pure admiration, in them. He collects himself and looks back up at the kids. Jeno freezes when his eyes fall on him. “Any questions?”

They all shake their heads. “Doyounggie Hyung,” Jaemin calls.

“Yes?” Doyoung prompts. A moment of tension and Jeno can’t breathe.

“We love you,” Jaemin says is his typical cringey tone. They all laugh as he repeats it again for Yukhei and Jungwoo. The three roll their eyes but they appear happy. Jeno remembers how to breathe.

“Alright,” Taeyong says. “Announcements are over and if the staff doesn’t see us practicing again over the CCT, they’re going to scold us. Let’s get back to work.”

“Yes, Hyung.”

 

Nearly a month since the news and Jeno lays awake staring up at the dark ceiling. It became a habit, Jeno needing time to sort through all the questions in his head and this new feeling he has. He was hardly even paying attention when they celebrated his birthday. The memory feels like an eternity ago. At least promotions will be over soon and there will be more time to sort through it. 

“Stop thinking so hard,” Jaemin groans. “You’re giving me a headache.” He jokingly pushes Jeno away. Renjun catches him on the other side, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“What’s wrong?” Renjun asks him, his chin resting on Jeno’s shoulder. Jaemin shifts closer to them on the bed, old springs creaking beneath them. 

“Yeah, why have you been all mopey recently?” Jaemin asks. Jeno shrinks away from their gazes.

“I haven’t,” Jeno says. But he smiles when he lies, and his friends know this.

“Jeno~” Jaemin whines. He leans his head against Jeno’s other shoulder, pressing him further in Renjun’s side, and says, “Don’t lie to us.”

“Yeah, we’re not dumb,” Renjun says. He readjusts his arms to look at Jeno straight on. Jeno pulls the front of his hat down trying to cover his face.

“It’s nothing,” he says.

“So it is something,” Jaemin responds. Jeno sighs and his friends release him, moving to the other side of the small bed to give a semblance of space.

“Maybe,” Jeno admits. They wait patiently for him to elaborate. “I haven’t thought it through all the way.”

“We can help you,” Renjun reminds him. His smile is pure and both of them have determined expression.

“I don’t even _know_ what’s bothering me yet,” Jeno says using every ounce of his willpower not to smile. “But I’ll tell you once I can put it into words and we can figure it out together.”

“Okay,” Jaemin says. “Whatever you need. But are you sure there isn’t anything for us to do now?” Jeno shakes his head. “Alright. Well, I’m thirsty as hell. I’m going to make coffee. Do you guys want anything?” He gets off the bed and Renjun crawls back over to Jeno’s side.

“Coffee is good,” Jeno says and Renjun agrees.

“But don’t put too much sugar in mine,” Renjun reminds him.

“Yeah, I don’t understand how you can drink it when it’s ninety-nine percent sugar,” Jeno says. Jaemin sticks his tongue out at them.

“How are you going to tease me when I offer to make you coffee?”

“Oh, right. We love you Nana,” Renjun says purposefully sounding fake.

“Cutie. That’s more like it.” Jaemin leaves and Renjun rolls his eyes at him.

The door shuts softly and the two are silent for a moment. Jeno fiddles with Jaemin’s duvet between his fingers, smooth cotton making his fingertips go numb from repetition. He tries to find his courage. He wasn’t particularly picky about who to enlist for this, and neither of his friends are bad options anyway. This is the perfect opportunity, alone with Renjun. 

He doesn’t seem surprised when Jeno subtly leans against him. Renjun finds Jeno’s hand and interlocks their fingers. The silence is so comfortable, Jeno doesn’t want to break it. But he needs to know. 

So he pulls Renjun to lay down with him. Renjun laughs at him and raises an eyebrow. Jeno mimics it and can’t help laughing with him.  
"What is it?” Renjun whispers, sensing an ulterior motive in Jeno’s affection. 

“I was thinking…” Jeno says.

“Don’t strain yourself,” Renjun teases even though his smile is still sweet.

“I was thinking about Doyounggie Hyung,” Jeno says barely audible. Renjun’s joking demeanor fades. 

“About what?” Renjun asks, eyes shifting anxiously. 

“I never thought about it before,” Jeno says. “Being gay.” Renjun squints his eyes.

“What are you…?” He trails off when he sees Jeno lifting himself to sit up. He’s shocked when Jeno resettles over top of Renjun.

“Injoon,” Jeno says purposefully.

“Yes?” Renjun asks. His breathing is heavier, but it’s not from Jeno’s weight. Jeno holds himself carefully over the smaller boy, giving him the opportunity to push him away if he wanted. But Renjun trusts him, so he stays motionless between his arms.

“It’s been bothering me. I never thought about it,” Jeno says trying not to ramble. His tongue feels too large in his mouth and his words are thick to come out. “I don’t know. I can’t decide. So I wanted to try…” He trails off and his eyes slide from Renjun’s down to his lips, slightly open as if caught in the middle of a gasp.

Even though they’ve known each other a long time, there are occasions Jeno can’t read Renjun. Renjun doesn’t make any reaction to what Jeno insinuates. His cheeks burn hotter with the dragging silence, and he wonders if Renjun can notice the color change in the dim lighting. Renjun’s eyes flick between Jeno’s lips and his gaze, but Jeno can’t place any emotion on it.

With no response, Jeno proceeds cautiously. He leans down slowly, giving Renjun every opportunity to end it, to tell Jeno to experiment with someone else. But Renjun doesn’t move or push Jeno away. 

Jeno stops short of Renjun’s lips, barely a centimeter in between them. Renjun’s shallow breath hits Jeno’s lips in soft puffs. Renjun’s eyes are closed and Jeno combs across his face trying to find any indication that Renjun doesn’t want to kiss him. He comes up with nothing, but still hesitates. He swears Renjun tilts his head up to close the last bit of space. 

Even when that’s debatable, Renjun’s lips are active in kissing him. Jeno hasn’t kissed anyone since becoming an idol, and he wonders if the reason he can’t breathe is because of the drought or if it’s because Renjun is just that good. 

Though they’re kissing, Jeno is aware of the space between the rest of their bodies. He knows this must be weird, even if Renjun didn’t disagree to it. Jeno is kissing him to find an answer to the mess of feelings in his heart, but it remains unchanged even as the time shambles on. They break apart, breathe, and start again.

Is it because there isn’t any passion? Jeno doesn’t know and his kisses become desperate. _This is useless_. He balls his fists in the duvet angrily. “Dammit,” Jeno hisses against his lips when they break.

He sits up on Renjun’s hips and stares at the wall, brow furrowed and an aberrant frown on his lips. Renjun props himself up on his elbows, chest rising and falling as if he just performed. “Nothing?” Renjun whispers. Jeno shakes his head and sits beside Renjun.

“I’m sorry,” Jeno says. “If I made this weird.” He crosses his arms over his chest and avoids Renjun’s gaze. His skin is cold from the air con, but his lips feel burnt. Renjun sits up next to him, fixing his hair in the back so it looks fluffy again.

“Maybe,” Renjun says with a chuckle. He puts his arm around Jeno’s shoulder comfortingly. “But I still love you,” Renjun says with a pure smile. He shakes Jeno’s shoulder until his own lips curve up again. Jeno doesn’t know what he did to deserve the friends he has.

“Love you too,” Jeno mutters when Renjun chastises him for not reciprocating. 

“So was I your first choice or your second choice?” Renjun asks.

“What?” Jeno sputters.

“Don’t be dumb. Obviously, you were thinking about asking me or Jaemin,” Renjun says with a knowing smile. Jeno tries to avoid his piercing gaze, but he is unsuccessful.

“Neither,” Jeno answers defensively. “You just ended up being more easy.”

“Oh, so I’m _easy_.”

“No! The opportunity—” Jeno says but Renjun is already hushing him.

“I know, I know,” Renjun says. They sit in silence for a moment, arms tangled together. When Renjun speaks again, his voice is soft like cotton, covering Jeno’s heart like a warm blanket. “I hope you find your answer.”

“Me too,” Jeno replies.

The door swings open, flooding the room with light from the hallway. Jaemin appears with three cups balanced artfully in his hands. “Get on the floor. I don’t trust you guys not to spill,” Jaemin says. The begrudgingly get on the floor, Jaemin slotting himself between them, and accept the cups.

“Thank you,” Renjun says blowing on the hot liquid to cool it off.

“It’s nothing,” Jaemin says. “So what did I miss?” Jeno can’t contain the laugh bubbling up his throat and Renjun devolves into giggling. 

“What?” Jaemin whines.

“I’m laughing at your coffee,” Jeno says. Jaemin knows he’s lying, but he plays along.

“So ungrateful,” Jaemin says. “I cook for you, I make coffee for you. Yet no love.”

“I’m sure Jeno will thank you properly later,” Renjun says off-handedly. Jeno’s heart skips a beat and Jaemin pesters him to elaborate. Jeno stares into the black coffee in his cup, ignoring their bickering and wondering what Renjun really meant. 

 

He decided that Renjun was suggesting for him to try kissing Jaemin. So Jeno sequesters himself into Jaemin’s room early one morning when the rest of the dorm is empty. Chenle and Jisung are out together and Renjun is at the 127 dorms as per usual these days. 

“Nana,” Jeno whispers, crouched down beside Jaemin’s bed. 

“What?” Jaemin groans out, hidden beneath the blankets.

“I need your help,” Jeno says a bit louder.

“Go away,” Jaemin says. “I don’t want to cuddle with you.”

“I’m not here to cuddle. I need your help,” Jeno repeats. 

“I don’t want to go eat right now.”

“I’m not asking you to eat with me.” Jeno slides a hand under the blankets to poke Jaemin in the side. He groans again and turns his back to Jeno. “Jaemin-ah, I need to ask you a question.” Silence. “You said whatever I need,” Jeno reminds him. Another moment of silence and Jaemin turns back around.

“Get in here, dumbass,” Jaemin says pulling the blankets up high enough for Jeno to get under. Jaemin drops the blankets on him. He sighs and sits up against the wall, adjusting the pillow behind his back comfortably. “What’s up?” His eyes are tired, and his hair is a mess. Guilt worms its way into Jeno. He draws circles on Jaemin’s knee under the blanket trying to distract himself. He keeps his eyes on Jaemin’s waist, noting the oversized shirt he drowns in, counting the stripes on it, trying to avoid Jaemin’s expression as he says the next sentence under his breath.

“I think I might be gay.”

“Really? You woke me up for this?” Jeno’s gaze snaps to Jaemin, and relief floods him when he sees Jaemin’s joking smile. “Seriously though, what’s the problem with that?” Jeno sits up beside Jaemin, rubbing his hands over his bare lower arms. 

“How do you sleep under all these blankets? It’s so hot,” Jeno says.

“Answer the question,” Jaemin says while he tries to smooth down Jeno’s hair sticking up from static.

“It’s a problem because I _don’t know_ if I’m gay,” Jeno says.

“Why do you need to know? We can’t date anyway.”

"Because it makes me uncomfortable,” Jeno says wrapping his arms around his abdomen.

“There isn’t anything wrong with being gay,” Jaemin says like they’re talking about the weather. Jeno has always found comfort in Jaemin’s fake nonchalance approach, but it doesn’t seem as effective this time.

“I know that. I just want a straight answer about myself,” Jeno says.

“A straight answer or a gay answer?” Curse Jaemin’s wit.

“You know what I meant. I don’t care either way. I just want to know.” His voice softens as he finishes the sentence. He slides his gaze over to Jaemin’s face, letting his eyes concentrate on his lips. Jaemin smirks at him.

“Are you trying to seduce me, Jen-ah?” Jeno groans and pushes Jaemin away, all his confidence dissolving when faced with Jaemin’s. “What is it? _‘Seduction is easy~’_ ,” Jaemin sings off key.

“Shut up! I hate you,” Jeno says.

“That’s a lie,” he says, tone becoming serious again. Jaemin puts an arm around his shoulders and his other hand rests on Jeno’s thigh. “If you want something, ask me. You can be upfront with me, I’m not Injoon.”

“What does that mean?” Jeno asks.

“Nothing you don’t want it to. Now back to the real question: what do you want from me?” Jeno sighs and looks at the ceiling.

“I want to kiss you to see if I have a reaction,” Jeno admits.

“Okay,” Jaemin says. Jeno should have expected Jaemin to be so flagrant about it, but he’s still surprised. 

“That’s it?”

“Well, yeah. You’re my friend and this is bothering you. Why not be helpful? Also, we’re idols so you can’t do what normal people do and find a random guy to hook up with.”

“Geesh, why are you like this?”

“Shut up and kiss me, bro,” Jaemin says. He turns his body so he’s facing Jeno, who presses himself against the wall. “Why are you so nervous, you started this.”

“Why are you so confident?” Jeno retorts. Jaemin leans closer and Jeno flinches back. Jaemin laughs at him.

“You woke me up. I’m tired. Let’s get this over with so I can go back to sleep.” But his smile shows that he isn’t annoyed. Jeno gathers all his courage and kisses Jaemin before he can psych himself out.

He vaguely wishes he had waited for Jaemin to brush his teeth first, but it’s too late now. Jaemin’s kisses feel less experienced than Renjun’s, but it’s not bad. He holds Jeno’s jaw gently, his other hand on his thigh still, squeezing on occasion. Jeno wraps his arms around Jaemin’s waist and pulls him closer. Maybe he didn’t feel anything with Renjun because they had so much distance.

Except there’s no change in his emotions. Jaemin pulls away and checks Jeno’s expression. He furrows his brow and kisses him again. Jaemin shoves his tongue into Jeno’s mouth. Jeno almost chokes from the surprise, but Jaemin doesn’t let up. Still nothing. Jaemin leans away.

“You try this time,” Jaemin says.

“What?”

“Put your tongue in my mouth, idiot.” Jaemin doesn’t give him time to think, mouth on his again. He doesn’t move, and Jeno tentatively slides his tongue between Jaemin’s rough lips. It last for all a few seconds until Jeno’s tongue gets caught on Jaemin’s braces.

“Shit,” Jeno says pulling away.

“What happened?” Jaemin looks at him with concern, holding his face with both his hands.

“I cut myself,” Jeno says. They both break out laughing at the absurdity.

“Yeah, it happens. It’s worse when they’re behind the teeth,” Jaemin says. He sits back on his ankles, blankets bunched around his back. “So, did that help at all?”

“No,” Jeno says. Jaemin frowns.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. Thank you for…you know.”

“Cutting your tongue? Any day, bro,” Jaemin says with a cheeky smile. It drops, and a somber expression replaces it. “But seriously. I hope you figure this out.” He seems to consider his next words carefully, chewing on his lower lip. “Maybe try asking Injoon?”

“Oh,” Jeno says at a loss on how to respond. But Jaemin’s eyes narrow and he knows there’s no use trying to tell Jaemin what he already figured out.

“You kissed Injoon before _me_?” Jaemin asks dramatically.

“Shut up. I had the opportunity to kiss him first.”

“It’s okay, I forgive you.” Jeno rolls his eyes but finds himself snickering along with Jaemin.

“I’m guessing that also wasn’t helpful?” Jeno nods. “Maybe Haechannie then?”

“Haechan?” Jeno asks in surprise. He didn’t think about him, but it makes sense. The people he considers himself closest to in the group are obviously the other ‘00 liners. “I feel like he would make fun of me if I asked.”

“So what? I teased you and it didn’t stop you from sticking your tongue down my throat.”

“Only because you told me to,” Jeno grumbles. 

“Shut up. My point is that sure, Donghyukkie might tease you, but he cares about you, so he’ll probably say yes. He would want to help you. Hell, everyone in this group would help you if you asked.”

“Are you suggesting I kiss all our members?”

“If that’s what it takes.” Jaemin holds a serious expression for less than a second before they’re both gasping for air between laughter.

“That sounds like an awful idea,” Jeno says.

“Which makes the idea of kissing Haechan better, right?” Jaemin wiggles his eyebrows and Jeno laughs again.

“Sure. Whatever,” Jeno says. “Another day, though. I’m tired, I need a nap.”

“Me too. Get out of my bed,” Jaemin says. For a brief second, Jeno thinks he’s being serious. “Don’t give me that look. Of course you can stay. But you better not try to kiss me again.”

“Believe me, nobody wants to kiss you before you brush your teeth.”

“That’s it. You’re banished from my bed. Out.” Jeno whines and slides back under the blankets. He encircles Jaemin’s waist in his arms. “Ugh. Fine.”

“Goodnight,” Jeno says.

“It’s like, eight o’clock in the morning.”

“Shh, no one has to know.” Jaemin must agree, because he situates himself under the cover and promptly falls back asleep. Jeno’s mind is still racing, but it too eventually tires, and he drifts off, sun shining through the curtains on the window.

 

It proves harder to procure time alone with Donghyuk than the other two. 127 heads off to Japan and the other members are whisked in to games because ‘they have plenty of time to spend together’. It’s not until May’s schedules end that Jeno finds Donghyuk in his room one afternoon.

“What are you doing here?” Donghyuk asks when he answers the door. Jeno quickly looks around to make sure his roommates are gone. The room is blessedly empty.

“I need your help with something,” Jeno says quietly. Donghyuk purses his lips and lets Jeno in, closing the door behind them. “Can you lock it?” 

“Ah, so it’s secret,” Donghyuk says to himself turning the lock. Jeno might have kissed Renjun with Jaemin’s door unlocked but being around the 127 hyungs makes him more nervous than being around the Dream kids.

“Yeah, like don’t tell anyone I even came to ask you,” Jeno says. It took him a while to get the courage to be vulnerable in front of Donghyuk like this, and he only was able to do that by coming up with ground rules first.

“Okay,” Donghyuk says. They stand in front of the three beds, Jeno shifting his weight while Donghyuk stares. “What is it?”

“You have to _promise_ not to tell anyone,” Jeno says. “Especially not one of the Hyungs.”

“Yeah, your secret is safe with me. Jeno, what is it?” His face is serious right now, but Jeno knows that can change in a heartbeat.

“And you have to promise not to tease me about it,” Jeno says. Donghyuk takes a dramatic breath.

“No promises there. If your secret is funny, I’m going to tease you. But only in private, because I respect you.” Jeno sighs.

“That’s as good as it’s going to get?”

“Yep.” Donghyuk shrugs and Jeno laughs. It’s good enough for him. “So what’s up?” 

“I think I might be gay,” Jeno whispers.

“That’s a _hilarious_ secret,” Donghyuk says. He tilts his head in confusion. “What do you need help with?”

“I feel all weird inside because I don’t know for sure.” He makes vague hand gestures around his chest to try and get his point across. “I need help figuring out.”

“How can I help?” His tone is so sincere, Jeno’s heart skips a beat. Of course Jaemin was right. Donghyuk will give him shit, but he loves him enough to want to help regardless.

“I need you to make-out with me.” Donghyuk looks understandably shocked.

“Oh, wow, okay…” He holds his hand to his mouth and nods his head like he’s considering it. 

“Why are you being so hesitant?” Jeno asks trying to joke to cover his distress. “You’re always begging our members to kiss you.”

“You said make-out. That’s kinda different than a kiss on the cheek,” Donghyuk says. “But…” He stops and smiles brazenly. He gestures Jeno closer and they both laugh.

“Just a little bit,” Jeno mutters as he shuffles forward. Donghyuk backs up and pulls Jeno with him, so he’s between Jeno and the wall. They stand awkwardly when Donghyuk drops his arms.

“Come on, haven’t you ever kissed anyone?” Donghyuk whines when too much time passes.

“Of course I have,” Jeno scoffs.

“Then treat me like a guy you want to kiss instead of staring at me like I’m a dead fish.”

“What the—”

“Put your hands on my waist,” Donghyuk says in a patronizing tone. He grabs Jeno’s limp hands and sets them on his waist, wrists flourishing when he releases them. “Stand closer—” he tugs Jeno to him by the shoulders. He stumbles forward and has to brace himself to not fall into Donghyuk, hands gripping his hips harder. “Or shove me against the wall if you’re a real man.”

“ _Oh my god_ ,” Jeno says taking a step back, hands held up in front of him.

“No, seriously,” Donghyuk says. “Try it. How are you supposed to figure out your emotions if you half-ass it?” He has a point, no matter how ridiculously he’s going about it. Jeno had the same thoughts himself when analyzing his previous kissing attempts. “Treat me like a guy you want to fuck.”

“Haechannie, what the _fuck_?” Jeno asks far too loud. Donghyuk puts a finger on his lips.

“Shhh.” They both laugh, trying to keep quiet as their shoulders shake. “But come on. Kiss me, fool.” Donghyuk closes his eyes and puckers his lips and Jeno almost laughs again. But he does as he’s told.

Donghyuk seems surprised that Jeno actually kisses him, instead of laughing at his joke. He’s quick to adjust, though, keeping up with Jeno. His kissing seems even less experienced than Jaemin, but he doesn’t comment on it. Instead, he tries to heed Donghyuk’s advice and shoves him into the wall. 

He makes a surprised noise but only wraps his arms around Jeno’s neck, pulling him in closer. Jeno’s anger boils-over, still not having any answers. He presses closer, theirs hips knocking together painfully, and pushes a leg between Donghyuk’s. 

And Donghyuk is letting him do this, being an absolutely amazing friend. He doesn’t react when Jeno sticks his tongue in his mouth or  
inches his hands up under the hem of his shirt. Yet… nothing. Kissing Donghyuk is perfectly enjoyable, but he feels neither disgust or lust.

He pulls away from Donghyuk completely, both of them breathing hard. Donghyuk looks confused, like he forgot exactly what was going on, where he is, or what time it is. “Well, shit,” Donghyuk says when he finds his focus again. “Any luck?”

“None,” Jeno says. His self-hatred comes through in his tone. Donghyuk pats his shoulder. 

“Are you sure that’s it’s not because we don’t have chemistry?”

“What?”

“Like, I love you, but as a bro. You’re pretty damn good at kissing, but there’s no attraction between us,” Donghyuk explains. “Maybe even if you are gay, you can’t tell because I’m not your type.”

“I… haven’t thought of it like that,” Jeno says.

“Maybe you can find a guy who is your type?” Donghyuk suggests.

“But if I’m not gay, then no guy would be my type, right?”

“I don’t know. I’m not the gay expert. Perhaps another member can give you better advice, say—”

“I already tried kissing Injoonnie and Jaeminnie,” Jeno finishes. 

“So I’m not even your second choice?” Donghyuk pulls his hand away and pretends to be upset.

“I was too worried you would make fun of me if I asked you to kiss me,” Jeno mutters.

“Did they not tease you?” Donghyuk asks incredulously.

“Well, they did.”

“So your excuse is invalid.”

“Haechannie,” Jeno whines.

“What about Doyoung Hyung?”

“What?”

“He’s gay. Maybe if two gay guys kiss, even if they aren’t each other’s types, there will still be chemistry.”

“I don’t know if that’s how that works,” Jeno says.

“Ask him! He’s the gay expert if anyone is in this group,” Donghyuk says. 

“But he’s so much older than me,” Jeno says.

“Four years is not a big deal. Get over it. And aren’t you guys close? He won’t hesitate to help you, even though he might be laughing the entire time.”

“What, because I’m such a bad kisser?”

“Bro, I literally told you how good you are,” Donghyuk says looking away from Jeno. Jeno also can’t look at Donghyuk properly, a light blush on his cheeks.

“Thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.”

“Lies,” Donghyuk says. “That was my first kiss.”

“Ever?” Jeno asks surprised. “But you kiss us all the time.” 

“Doesn’t count. That’s like getting a kiss from your mom. Making-out with you was my first actual kiss.”

“Seriously?”

“Jeno, I joined SM when I was thirteen.”

“So did I. Didn’t you ever like, go to parties?”

“I don’t know what kind of school you went to, but no. I didn’t.” 

“I feel like that’s kind of a big deal,” Jeno says. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What, would you not have kissed me if I told you I was inexperienced?” Jeno shrugs.

“Maybe?”

"It’s not a big deal,” Donghyuk says. “You needed help, so I wanted to help.” He’s purposefully not looking at Jeno, but he can see the sincerity in his eyes.

“Thank you,” Jeno says quietly. Donghyuk looks at him with a disgusted expression.

“Don’t be so serious. You’re making this boring,” Donghyuk whines.

“It’s my specialty,” Jeno says. “But seriously, thank you. I appreciate it.”

“Good to know. Now go find Doyounggie Hyung and get him to kiss you.”

“What if he says no?”

“Have you tried yet?”

“…no?”

“Then you don’t know if he’ll reject you, which means you have to at least ask.” 

“Why are you like this?” 

“Because I love you.” Donghyuk bats his eyes and Jeno shoves him away. Lovingly though. Because his friends are amazing, and he loves them despite all the shit they give him.

 

Jeno doesn’t have any patience to try and find Doyoung away from the members by chance, so he texts him. He vaguely realizes that they haven’t had a private conversation out of the group chats in so long that the past messages were deleted automatically. Jeno’s fingers shake as he tries to type out the message.

Hyung, can you help me with MCing ? **:No-Jam**

**Donsseu:** Sure

 **Donsseu:** We have practice tomorrow. Do you want to meet afterwards? My room?

Yes!! **:No-Jam**

Thx a lot Hyung **:No-Jam**

Jeno takes a deep breath, at peace since that worked out so well. There’s a little guilt from lying to him, but Jeno couldn’t very well explain his real issues over text. 

“What are you doing?” Jaemin asks from behind, making him jump.

“Nothing,” Jeno says too quickly. He hurries to lock his phone and throw it on the floor table in front of him. Jaemin sits beside him.

"Did you talk with Haechannie?”

“Oh. Yeah.” Jeno looks away from Jaemin, blushing.

“How’d it go?” Jaemin asks cutely. “Details.”

“Still nothing. Also Haechan is ridiculous, and he made fun of me.”

“Naturally,” Jaemin says. “So what are you up to?” Jeno searches for a way to stall.

“Do you know where Renjunnie has been recently?” Jeno asks. Both a diversion and a genuine question.

“No, actually. It’s weird. It seems like I haven’t seen him at all since the 127 Hyungs came back,” Jaemin says. He looks perturbed by that statement. “Is he having issues too?”

“Not that I know of,” Jeno says. “But most mornings when I wake up, he’s gone. Like, even when he doesn’t have a schedule.”

“Strange,” Jaemin says to himself. “We’ll have to interrogate him next time we see him.”

“Definitely.” Success.

“Yeah—hey, you were distracting me, weren’t you?” Jaemin asks suspiciously. Dammit. Not success.

“Maybe?” Jeno laughs embarrassed. Jaemin leans on his side.

“What are you doing? And why are you hiding it from me?”

“I texted Doyoung Hyung,” Jeno admits.

“Ah, so he’s number four,” Jaemin says.

“Maybe,” he says quietly.

“A good choice. He’s kinda obsessed with you, perhaps more than me or Injoon,” Jaemin says. Jeno rolls his eyes.

“We aren’t that close,” Jeno says with a full smile.

“Lies. And you’ll be even closer after you kiss,” Jaemin jokes.

“Shut up,” Jeno says futilely. 

“But he’ll probably be able to give you insight us three straights can’t.”

Jeno sighs. He lets Jaemin wrap his arms around his waist and hold him. “Hopefully.”

 

“My favorite Dongsaeng,” Doyoung greets Jeno when he enters his room. He pulls him into a hug and Jeno laughs.

“Hello,” Jeno says trying to close the door behind him with Doyoung’s arms wrapped tightly.

“I feel like it’s been forever,” Doyoung says. He releases him and smiles serenely. Guilt comes back to Jeno.

“I lied to you,” tumbles out of Jeno’s mouth before he can help it. Doyoung furrows his eyebrows.

“About what?”

“I don’t want help with MCing,” Jeno says, cheeks red. Doyoung stifles his laughter.

“Wow, I can’t believe you,” he says failing to sound serious.

“But I do want help,” Jeno says. “With something else.”

“With what?” Doyoung dropped his joking demeanor and looks at Jeno with genuine concern. Jeno steels himself then bares his heart in a single breath.

“With the gay thing and I didn’t know how to ask you over text to make-out with me and I’m so sorry for lying to you but it’s also cool if you tell me to get out because I’m asking you to do something weird.”

Doyoung opens his mouth and closes it a couple times. He furrows his eyebrows again and presses his lips into a thin line. Jeno tries to hide his shaking hands the best he can. “You want me to what?” Doyoung finally asks.

“Hyung, kiss me,” Jeno says, mortified at the stupid mess he got himself into. He really should not have listened to Donghyuk.

“Jeno—are you drunk?” Doyoung asks incredulously. Jeno covers his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry I’m awful at this. No, I’m not drunk.” It’s silent for a long time, so Jeno risks peeking out from behind his hands. Doyoung’s expression is unreadable.

“Start from the beginning,” Doyoung says. Jeno tries to take a deep breath, tries to calm himself.

“I think I might be gay. But I don’t know and it’s bothering me because I can’t figure it out. So I want help. And I already tried kissing my friends, and the results were inconclusive. Haechannie suggested kissing you, because you’re gay and kissing someone who’s gay would ideally have more chemistry than kissing a straight guy.” How he got through that is beyond Jeno, but he’s glad it’s out and Doyoung doesn’t have a negative expression.

“So you kissed Renjun already?” Doyoung asks. 

“Uh, yeah,” Jeno says surprised. He doesn’t know why Renjun was singled out.

“And?”

“Nothing,” Jeno says. “Same with Jaeminnie and Haechannie.” Doyoung stares at the floor, contemplating everything. He sighs.

“Do you really think kissing me will help you figure this out?” 

“I don’t know,” Jeno admits. “But I’m just so… _uncomfortable_ right now. I need an answer. I don’t care what it is, but I need to know.” Another sigh.

“You’re manipulating me,” Doyoung decides. “You know you’re my favorite Dongsaeng and I won’t be able to say no, even to a ridiculous request like this.”

“Sorry?” Jeno asks with a cute smile. Doyoung laughs indulgently. 

“Don’t be. Lock the door and come here,” Doyoung says sounding as embarrassed as Jeno feels. He’s looking away from Jeno, but he gestures towards himself by the bed. Jeno locks the door quickly and steps in front of Doyoung. 

The proximity only makes both of them laugh. “Hyung,” Jeno whines. He wants this to be serious, but Doyoung keeps laughing. He recognizes it as the giggling that escapes whenever he’s embarrassed, and it’s only making him impatient. 

“Right, right, _sorry_ ,” Doyoung says. He puts his hand on Jeno’s shoulder and pecks him on the lips. 

“Is that it?” Jeno asks when Doyoung steps away. “No offense, Hyung, but I think I might need a little bit more.” Doyoung groans.

“I tried,” he says. “It’s just so…” He lets another laugh out, a blush on his cheeks.

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Jeno says unable to hide his dejected feelings. Doyoung immediately sobers.

“No, I want to help.” Doyoung takes a deep breath and steps back to Jeno. But immediately after, his expression becomes pained from trying not to laugh again.

“Hyung,” Jeno complains. 

“Shut up, have some respect,” Doyoung says though he’s still smiling. He grabs Jeno’s hands in his and Jeno frowns. He needs it to be more serious, more _intense_.

The bed. Jeno stares at the bed right beside him and gets a brilliant idea. With Donghyuk, it really only went somewhere when Jeno shoved him against the wall. Shoving Doyoung onto the bed is a great idea.

Except, Doyoung doesn’t budge, standing like a solid wall. “Wha—”

“Do you think you can just push me around?” Doyoung asks with a very different expression on his face. He’s hardly a couple centimeters taller than Jeno, but it suddenly feels like he’s looming over him. Doyoung’s fingers circle around Jeno’s wrist and a shiver crawls up his spine, a mix of anxiety and anticipation.

“Hyung…”

“You want me to kiss you, right?” His silky, smooth tone changes the atmosphere fast. When did he stop laughing?

Jeno jerks his head in a nod. “Answer verbally when I ask you a question,” Doyoung says.

“Yes, Hyung,” Jeno manages in a shaky tone. “I want you to kiss me.”

Doyoung’s smile curls up. “And you want me to be on the bed?” Jeno struggles to swallow around his dry tongue, his whole body rigid as he tries to nod again. Doyoung is about to reprimand him again.

“Yes, Hyung.”

“Alright. Well, while we’re at it,” Doyoung says. “Here’s a lesson: you can only push someone around when you deserve it, when you _take_ it. Like this.”

He pushes Jeno onto the bed and he can’t fight. He falls back looking up with wide eyes. The foreign gleam in Doyoung’s gaze is only the product of good acting, but Jeno’s heart rate speeds up regardless. Doyoung gracefully joins him on the bed, settling his weight on him. 

“Okay, but on a side note as your Hyung and not your fake boyfriend,” Doyoung says quickly breaking character. “Always make sure your partner is okay with it and able to end things whenever they want. So yes, take it, but only when you have permission.”

And then he’s back to his intimidating demeanor before Jeno can even laugh. It’s different than the naïve playing with his friends. Doyoung being so close to him, staring at him with the same expression he wears on stage, carries a weight Jeno wasn’t ready for. He wonders if the strange feeling making his skin crawl is just anticipation, excitement, or disgust.

Jeno has to close his eyes, too many feelings to sort through. He can’t handle Doyoung’s unyielding gaze right now when he’s trapped beneath him. Doyoung may have told him he could end it whenever, but he still feels cornered. There’s no fear in the mix, though. He trusts Doyoung, even when he’s acting so different.

“Jeno-yah,” Doyoung whispers, tone husky. He can’t open his eyes, but he tilts his head up, hoping Doyoung gets the message. A silent answer comes when Doyoung presses their lips together.

More purposeful than before, they kiss. The only word that comes to Jeno’s mind is sensual. The familiar scent of the soap Doyoung uses curls around Jeno while his lips take his breath away. Too many things to process again. Their legs slot together so Doyoung can grab under his thigh to pull a leg up around his waist.

Jeno can’t help the moan when Doyoung slides his tongue in. A million comparisons, how much more graceful and carnal Doyoung is than his friends, flit through Jeno’s mind. He clutches Doyoung to him, worried that any space will delay finding an answer. This kiss feels different and Jeno prays that he will finally understand himself.

Doyoung’s mouth drags from his lips down to his jawline. Jeno lets out a soft whine, squirming under Doyoung as he teases the sensitive skin of his neck. Does he feel this way because he’s gay, because he finds Doyoung attractive? Or is it because he likes getting his neck kissed and his mind is substituting a girl for Doyoung? 

“You’re so loud,” Doyoung says pulling away. He lets go Jeno’s thigh, and his leg sinks back down to the bed. Jeno has to blink several times while he tries to calm his ragged breath.

“Shut up,” he says. The playful, innocent expression is back on Doyoung’s face. He sits up on the bed, releasing Jeno. Suddenly exposed, Jeno is quick to sit up, to cross his arms over the semi-hard-on.

“Was that helpful at all?” Doyoung asks like they didn’t just do something weird and outside their friendship.

“Um…” He tries to go over the information rationally, but only ends up shaking his head.

“It’s not that big of a deal if you don’t know. You’re only eighteen. There’s plenty of time to figure it out.”

“When did you know you were gay?” Jeno asks. Doyoung laughs lightly.

“I can’t even remember. Six? Three? I don’t know. I never liked girls.”

“Very helpful, Hyung.”

“I’m sorry. It’s the truth,” Doyoung says holding up his hands in defense. Jeno sighs. His mentality is just as confused as before. 

“Hyung,” Jeno says looking up at him through his eyelashes. The storm of confusion has one resolute craving that Jeno can properly read. “Can we try again?”

“Again?” Jeno nods his head. Doyoung purses his lips but doesn’t voice any dissent. He leans forward on his knees to reach Jeno, grabbing his neck and pulling him in.

The kiss stirs the same emotions as before, sans the more intense excitement from Doyoung holding him down. It satisfies his desire to be kissed again, but he doesn’t know if that desire comes from kissing a guy, kissing Doyoung, or from him just being horny. At this point, the single question has become three and his hands form into fists in his lap.

“What is it?” Doyoung asks concerned. He stays mere inches from Jeno, only a tiny space between their lips to ask. “You seem tenser.”

“I’m just so confused,” Jeno says and his tone lets out a whimper unannounced. Doyoung leans back, but lets his hand stay so it can card up through his hair.

“It’s alright,” he soothes. “You’re still young. There’s no rush. Some people don’t have a lot of crushes, so it’s hard to know your type. You probably haven’t found a guy or girl you would like yet. You don’t have any references.”

“But I’ve dated girls before,” Jeno says.

“Middle school girlfriends don’t count,” Doyoung says. “At that point, it’s like having a playmate you sometimes kiss because you’re a teenager and all teenagers are horny.”

“Wow, that’s pessimistic.”

“Nobody finds love in middle school. I don’t even think people find love at my age,” Doyoung says with a deep frown. “It could be a lie we make up, thinking we love someone just so we can be in love.”

“Hyung, are you okay? You sound kind of bitter.” Jeno reaches out a hand to grab Doyoung’s. 

“I’m fine.” He accepts the comfort even as he denies needing it. “Crushes are just repressed emotions, anyway. No use getting so bent out of shape over something that could mean nothing.” Doyoung sighs. “Are you okay?”

"Honestly, no,” Jeno says. He shrugs, frustrated but not wanting to bother his hyung anymore.

“If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here for you. Or if you don’t want to talk to me, Jungwoo-ie also wouldn’t mind helping you.”

“I don’t want to be a burden,” Jeno says. “I’ve already made my friends and Hyung worry about me.”

“You don’t need to be so intense about this,” Doyoung says softly. “It’ll come to you naturally. You’ll find your love and you’ll know then.” Jeno nods solemnly. When he looks up though, Doyoung has a joking smile again. “Are you sure you don’t just want to be gay so you can be like your favorite Hyung?”

“ _Oh my god_ ,” Jeno groans. He retracts his hand from Doyoung and makes a big show of cringing.

“Sorry,” Doyoung says between laughter. He grows serious and grabs Jeno’s hand again. “But I really do hope you figure it out.”

“Thanks,” Jeno mutters. His cheeks are flushed, and he has to look away from Doyoung. Memories of Doyoung over him are seared into his mind, but no matter how many times he considers each question he comes up short.

“Do you want to go get coffee and spend some time together normally?” Doyoung asks. “We can even invite your other fake boyfriends.”

“Hyung, they’re not—”

“It’ll be fun,” Doyoung insists. “I’ll treat.” Jeno sighs. He can’t resist Doyoung’s pouting, though.

“What’s even the point?” He tries futilely.

“For fun. And research purposes. There are important things to discuss.” Another sigh.

“Fine.”

 

Jeno curses the universe that all three of his friends were perfectly free to go get coffee. They met Jeno and Doyoung at a nearby café shortly after texting confirmation. Everyone but Jeno is ecstatic. Whether it’s the free coffee or the numerous opportunities to embarrass Jeno, he doesn’t know.

“What took you so long?” Renjun asks Donghyuk when he finds his seat at the table.

“I had to make myself presentable for our Jeno,” Donghyuk says giving Jeno a teasing smile.

“I hate you,” Jeno mutters into his hands, trying to hide the blush on his cheeks.

“You look great,” Doyoung tells him. He hands his card to Donghyuk and says, “Buy whatever you want.”

“So generous,” Renjun comments.

“Almost as generous as our Jeno,” Jaemin says throwing an arm around his shoulders. Jeno groans and tries to push him away.

“I hate all of you,” Jeno says more forcefully.

“How can you hate my when I buy you things?” Doyoung asks in mock surprise. 

“Bribery doesn’t count,” Jeno tells him. 

“I bet you weren’t treating Hyung like this earlier,” Renjun says leaning against his side. Jeno pushes him away and shrugs Jaemin’s arms  
off.

“I thought you guys loved me,” he says. “I thought you cared about me.”

“We do,” Jaemin says. 

“Which is exactly why we tease you so much,” Donghyuk says joining them. He sits beside Doyoung and hands his card back. “Now, down to the important topics.” Jeno is fooled by his serious expression. “Who was Jeno’s favorite?”

“ _Oh my god_ ,” Jeno says throwing his head back. The others cackle around him and the tips of his ears burn. “No. I will not answer.”

“Oh, come on,” Jaemin whines. “It’s all in good fun.” Jeno shakes his head and leans away from Jaemin.

“Jeno,” Doyoung says like he’s about to scold him. “We came out here to have a good time. Don’t be boring.” Jeno sighs.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings,” Jeno says.

“So that means one of them was awful,” Renjun says.

“How do you know it wasn’t you?” Jaemin asks.

“Honestly, it’s probably me,” Donghyuk admits with a self-deprecating smile. Jeno bursts out laughing and that answers the question for the rest of them.

“Okay, so Donghyukkie was the worst,” Doyoung says. “What’s the rest of the ranking?”

“No, no,” Jeno insists trying to make himself smaller. Unsuccessful, Renjun and Jaemin keep badgering him.

“Fine,” Jeno says pushing his friends’ arms away from him again. “Doyounggie Hyung, Injoonnie, Jaeminnie, Haechannie.” He stares at the table, ignoring reactions.

“Makes sense,” Doyoung says. He turns to Renjun with a sly smile. “So Renjun-ah, three for three?” Jeno doesn’t understand and looking to Renjun yields no answers. 

“Hyung,” Renjun hisses, fear and anger in his eyes. Doyoung laughs at him and Jeno wants to know why Renjun’s face is so red.

“What does that mean?” Donghyuk asks.

“Nothing,” Doyoung says. “Adult stuff.”

“I’ll be an adult in less than a month,” Donghyuk complains. “Tell me.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Renjun says. 

“I’m an adult,” Jeno says. “What’s the joke?” Doyoung looks like he might answer, but he laughs again.

“Hyung is just being dumb,” Renjun says. 

“We’ve acknowledged Renjun is a good kisser,” Doyoung says. 

“Anyway,” Renjun says quickly. “How did he seduce the rest of you? For me, he laid on top of me and stared at my lips until I kissed him.” Jeno covers his face with his hands while the rest of them laugh.

“I feel so offended,” Donghyuk says. “He wasn’t romantic with me at all. He flat out demanded and shoved me against the wall.”

“You told me to!” Jeno says defensively, still hiding his face.

"Yeah, but I didn’t tell you to be so handsy.” Jeno groans and the others are lost in laughter.

“He didn’t say anything to me,” Jaemin says. “But I read his intentions well.”

“He began our moment with a lie,” Doyoung says dramatically. “He told me he wanted help MCing, but he was just getting me alone so he could tell me to kiss him.”

“Hyung, I _asked_ you,” Jeno says. Renjun pets the back of his neck condescendingly while Doyoung agrees.

“So even after making us all help, you have no answer?” Jaemin asks.

“Uh…” Jeno dropped his hands, but he still can’t look any of them in the eyes.

“Seriously?” Donghyuk asks with a sigh.

“It’s okay,” Doyoung says. “You guys are young. You got plenty of time.”

“We can’t even date right now,” Jaemin says. “Just forget about it until you find someone you like.”

“But what if I never find someone I like?”

“Then that’s okay too,” Doyoung insists. “You don’t need to love anyone.”

“But Hyung loves someone, right?” Jeno regrets his words immediately when Doyoung jerks his head back, fear clear in his eyes.

“No,” Doyoung says forcefully. He must realize how fake it sounds because he relaxes his demeanor and smiles. “The only people I love  
right now are my two favorite Dongsaengs.”

“You mean Haechan,” Donghyuk says attaching himself to Doyoung’s arm. Doyoung shrugs out of his grip but laughs.

“Don’t be dumb,” Renjun says. “He means Jungwoo Hyung and Jeno.”

“Nah,” Jeno says and everyone rolls their eyes. 

“Don’t deny the love,” Doyoung says.

“Yeah, and don’t worry about it, either,” Renjun says. “You’ll find someone eventually, whether it’s a guy or girl. Doesn’t matter, and it won’t matter until it’s relevant.”

“It feels relevant right now, though,” Jeno says.

“How about instead of questioning whether you like guys or girls,” Doyoung says, “question each individual in your life who comes up. If some girl you know is cute, think about if you’re really attracted to her. Same if you find a guy interesting. But vaguely trying to figure it out through your friends probably isn’t effective.”

“I agree,” Jaemin says.

“Yeah, probably,” Jeno admits. “I’m sorry, guys. For asking you to... yeah.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Donghyuk says waving him off. “We love you. Helping you isn’t a burden.”

“Yeah,” Jaemin says. “We all love you a lot. We’ll be your proxy boyfriends until you find someone you like.” They all laugh at the ridiculous statement.

“But no more kissing,” Renjun says, his cheeks a light pink.

“Platonic boyfriends,” Jaemin adds. He embraces Jeno tightly. “Because we love you.”

“I’m still confused on how you guys feel about me,” Jeno says, eyes smiling. 

“Ah, stop trying to be funny,” Renjun complains. 

“I think Jeno is very funny,” Donghyuk says. Jeno smiles and quietly thanks him.

“Regardless,” Doyoung says trying to rein the kids back in. “Jeno, stop worrying about shit. You’re young, the perfect age to be enjoying life. We’re here for you if you have any more questions, but for now, chill out and just be happy.”

“Just be happy?” Jeno asks. “Isn’t that a little cheesy, Hyung?”

“Life isn’t supposed to be depressing,” Donghyuk says.

“Wow, we love a philosopher,” Renjun teases.

“You even know that word?” Jaemin asks.

“Of course, my Korean is good,” Renjun says pretending to be offended.

“Calm down, kids,” Doyoung says. 

The topic drifts from teasing Jeno, and he’s content to just listen to them talk to each other. Even though he waved it off, his heart lightened every time they reminded him how much they care about him or tried to ease his worries. The mess of anxiety and unfamiliarity settles in the back of his mind. They’re right, of course. He shouldn’t be worrying. 

Jeno carefully locks the tangled emotions behind a door and resolves to not worry about it until he finds somebody interesting. Or more specifically, somebody interesting who he actually has a chance at dating. No use worrying over an interesting person if he knows they can’t ever date. No matter how often Jeno blushes from their memories together or the thought of his laughter or how his voice deepens when he’s so close to Jeno he can feel his breath on him or—

Whatever. Crushes are just repressed emotions, anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> The song Jaemin referenced is “I Got Love” by Taeyeon. The opening line translates to _‘seduction is easy’_ and it’s honestly the first thing I think about anytime I hear the word seduction.  
>  Also y’all don’t know how funny I thought that one vlive with Yuta, Doyoung, Jungwoo, and Lucas was because they’re the four older gays and Doyoung just casually said being in a gay relationship was okay and the other three were shooketh.  
> Anyway, please stay tuned for part three which will be posted: October 1 around early morning KST. It’ll further explore Yuta and Renjun’s relationship and is very angsty.


End file.
